REJINAGAR STORY - Behaviour in Groups

In the town of RejiNagar there lived on the mountain side a demon called BurnOutasura. The demon had a craving once a year to chew on humans, suck out their juice and leave their bodies deadened, unfeeling and without sensation. The villagers agreed among themselves to find volunteers to offer to the demon. But after a few years it became very difficult to find any volunteers. The chewed-out people did not want to volunteer again…… ….

The above story serves as an analogy to our Hindu Samaj where it is becoming more and more difficult to find volunteers to serve on the Board of Trustees and doubly difficult to fill the President and Vice-President positions. Every year we have been hoping the problem would not be there the next year. But it is not going away. I do not understand why we have not given some serious thought to see what, if any, are the deeper aspects. The fact that the past 4 presidents, have, towards the end of their term, looked forward to the day they completed their term should also make us question as to what is happening to these people. And after the completion of their term they all have disappeared from the temple scene for months. Did the demon BurnOutasura chew and suck out their juices?

In the days when we did not have this temple, we felt a void in our lives. During its design, construction and financing stages there was a sense of cohesiveness among us, an electric current in our nerves, and an expectation that it would help us lift ourselves to higher ground of living and thinking. When the temple finally became a reality, we were fortunate to have some of the Hindu world’s renowned swami’s and guru’s come and inspire us towards a more sane and sensible life and living. We recently added to our altar a new diety – Kartikeya, to make it more inclusive. We have just acquired a priest who is trained as a priest. Our temple has also become a place of cordial fellowship. In our 20 years as the Samaj we have not broken into factions and splinter groups (as has happened elsewhere), and managed our differences with maturity, flexibility and dignity. Why then are people reluctant to come on to the Board and rise to positions of responsibility and honour?

Is the problem only the tip of an iceberg, is there more below the surface? Wanting to see what exactly is the problem, I have talked with some past presidents and Board members of the last few years, for their take on this problem. My own experience as President in 2005 gave me an empathic understanding of their perspectives. While the data is not exhaustive, I have presented it below, so we may all give some thought to solutions.

Some factors that are frustrating to Presidents are as below:

o High absenteeism of Board members, often a lack of quorum.
o Board members wanting to reopen issues resolved while they were absent.
o Board members leaving after signing the quorum sheet or after their presentation.
o Board member complaints on length of meeting, wanting resolutions in a hurry.
o Board members threatening to quit and even resigning on petty issues.
o Board members carrying on side conversations unrelated to the agenda item at hand.
o Solidified and inflexible positions on issues of some Board members.
o Board members thinking the president ought not to have any discretionary powers; that he is no more than any other Board member.
o Lack of commitment to tasks assigned, and laxity in duties of key Board members.
o Leaking of in camera discussions of the Board….. all details, even who said what.
o Conflicting guidance from those previously active in the Samaj.
o Never ending complaints from the congregation on minor and petty issues.
o Morale damaging gossip at weekend social gatherings of Samaj members.
o Arranging for weekly prashad sponsorship.

Conversely, from the Board Member perspective, the problems are:

o Undemocratic decision making by the President.
o President demanding performance at his/her beck and call.
o President unwilling to delegate or trust members
o President holding back decisions until the 11th hour.
o Differences in the perspectives of President and Vice-President.
o President overriding decisions made at Board meetings.
o Speaking up at meetings has the risk of losing friends and gaining enemies.
o Do not know Hinduism enough to base decisions on Hindu principles.
o Criticism of Board and temple activities at social parties; Not constructive criticism.
o Conflicting advice from those who have been in the Board at earlier times.

Roughly then, the above lists can be summarized under three headings: Group functioning, negative comments from the community, and guidance/input from those previously active in the Samaj. [Note that the above listing of items is not from any one year but from over the last few years. Also only the factors mentioned by more than one person are listed above.]

Group functioning problems are there in most groups put together for task accomplishment. On their way to become a team, they go through stages of development – forming, storming, norming, and performing. The caricatured picture at the outset of this writeup shows a group in the storming stage. Some come ready for a bloody battle, Some are ready to shoot any proposal. Some put on a ‘wise owl’ posture. Some are meek, unsure and afraid to speak up. Some feel gagged and muzzled. Some act indifferent. Some act as if they know everything. Some are reluctantly willing to be persuaded. Some act as clowns and draw attention to themselves. Some don’t want to contribute or be part of the group, but are all ears to the discussion going on. Thus at this stage of storming the group is not too functional. If this stage does not progress to the next stages, the task and mission of the group is adversely affected.

The second problem of negative opinions expressed in community social gatherings seem to have a demoralizing effect on the Board members and the President. But people in general like masala more than mantra. How this masala-talk can be stopped or how the Board can be shielded from it, is a question we all need to put our heads together to solve.

The complaints from the congregation are very many. I can vouch from my own experience that people do get upset in the mandir about all kinds of things: about somebody else’s behaviour, something not done right, something not prevented, and mostly about the inadequacy of opportunity for singing, and at the coveted time slot. I wonder whether this singing activity has come to be a competition, for recognition, status, honour, standing in the community and thus ego-enhancement. Responding to these complaints does chew up hours and hours on the telephone. And these complaints cannot be resolved to everybody’s satisfaction. This is a mental overload for any volunteer in the president’s position.

The third problem – guidance from those from the past, could be confusing, irritating and debilitating. The intentions of advice givers may be of genuine help and concern for the direction of the Samaj. But if different suggestions are coming from different people, the recipients (especially younger and new-comers) feel conflicted, confused and stalled. Advice from elders is a cultural value among us. But the present generation may feel torn between their preference to do it on their own terms and respecting the elders.

Arranging for weekly sponsors for prashad has come to be a major responsibility of the President. It involves more than making announcements from the podium for people to sign up. When there are gaps in the signup sheet, it involves asking friends, board members, and other people in the name of God. And still, many a time it becomes the job of the President’s wife (if the president is a lady, then she and her friends) to come early and cook the food, and stay late to clean up. This puts much stress on his/her family.

Thus, it seems to me that there are a number of interrelated problems and issues underlying the obvious problem of finding volunteers for the Board and President positions. I wonder if we all, individually and collectively, been part of the problem? Do we have the will to become part of the solution?

We can also speculate if the problems we are experiencing in the Samaj are due to our (cultural) not-so-flattering characteristics identified by our own (Indian) sociologists and social psychologists:

o Affiliation (relationships) is primary; Not task accomplishment
o Faith in words. Talking about a task is equated to task accomplishment.
o Presentation of socially desirable face (false face), not true face.
o Lack of differentiation between ‘what is’ and ‘what ought to be’ (or, should be).
o Personal loyalty to charismatic/inspirational leaders, not to the organization.
o Passivity and lethargy in serious matters but a lot of wasted energy in transient matters such as movies, movie stars, fashion, Cricket etc.,

However, the above may not apply to us -- immigrants such as ourselves -- who have been known to be industrious, intelligent and educated. We are the envy of the local people world over.

What I have penned above is my one man’s examination of our annual birth pangs. I feel I have hardly scratched the surface. I hope nobody will think of me as the bearer of bad news, and call for my head on the chopping block. That is OK too as long as the block is genuine Burma Teak! But before you put my head on the block, do let me hear your comments, observations and insights on the above.
- Kalburgi.Srinivas@gmail.com

PS: My email directory is rather old and I do not have the email address of many newer members of the congregation. Hence feel free to tell others, make copies for them, or forward, if you think what I have said above has some merit.


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MY SEARCH FOR HINDUISM

From time to time a little voice in me has been raising the question whether I am a Hindu. At first I laughed if off as a silly quirk of the mind. But it kept coming back. Indignantly then I said to myself, “Of course I am, I was born Hindu, brought up by Hindu parents, have a Hindu name, a Hindu wife, attend the Hindu temple… .” I felt a bit stupid having this conversation with myself. A lot of people think this sort of reasoning is sufficient. I too was content to remain a ‘surface Hindu’ for a number of years. (That is a story in itself.)

The persistence of the little voice set me thinking. I wondered if I was shallow in my comprehension of the Hindu pantheon, the rituals, mythology, festivals and folklore. I tried to recall everything I had heard and seen in my past. Wanting to test myself of the extent of this knowledge, I found a number of tests and questions on the Internet. While I did not know everything, I scored enough to fetch me a certificate in Hinduism. Most of us have picked up our Hinduism from what we have seen and heard in our younger years and we feel that is enough even after our higher education. Childhood conditioning typically prevails over higher education when it comes to religion. My high score on the tests induced a bit of self-righteousness in me. It also moved me towards poojas, mantras, jagrata and such other traditional practices.

However my little voice came at me with a bite at my ego, “So, you think you are a Hindu, don’t you?”. The direct dig deflated my ego. Was I trying to convince myself that I am a Hindu by the externalities of rituals, poojas and mantras? We all know how some persons have passed themselves off as doctors by putting on a lab coat and a stethoscope. And many church attendees are-- mere churchians, not real Christians. Similarly many born-Hindus claim to be authentic Hindus by virtue of conforming to the externalities of social practices and rituals they do not understand. The little voice made me realize that I did not have a full understanding of the ‘ism’ in Hinduism. I realized that rituals are useful only when undertaken with full understanding of the symbolism.

At about this time when I was trying to find new and acceptable answers to my doubting little voice, some friends started a Gita study circle. I was drawn to it. We read several different commentaries and interpretations. Our discussions were spirited. I felt the BhagavadGita, simply put, is ‘Vegetarian (not Chicken) Soup for the Soul’. I wished I had read it much earlier in life. I continue to feel it holds the best advice for life and living – how to live a sane and happy life, what the ideal personal qualities to aspire for, the prime importance of action and detachment, the connection between mental anguish and cognitive orientation, the distinction between needs and wants, between standard of life and standard of living, between choice and duty. The commentaries and interpretations by Swami Dayananda Saraswati and Swami Rama are particularly suited to the North American context. After reading the Gita some of us went on to read Shankaracharya’s Aatmabodha. From this book I learned that one does not have to accept anything on mere faith; one can and should bring to bear one’s intellect, analyse, try out, and accept only if convinced.

From Ashtavakra Gita I learned not to hang on to any convictions; convictions are like mile stones, and hanging on to them serves to prevent further progress. I found reinforcing thoughts in the simple but powerful writings of Sri Aurobindo and Sri Ramana Maharshi, particularly their advice on ‘problems of life’. Alongside these readings I explored and experienced several schools of meditation and had some upending experiences. I found the non-denominational Vipassana meditation most helpful in cleansing the mind. With the above readings and experiences, my emotional and intellectual commitment to Hinduism became firmer than ever before. I felt confident the little voice would now be satisfied.

Nope, the demanding little voice was not satisfied. I was thrown back to more introspection. After a while it dawned on me that it is not the knowing that matters. What matters is the bringing into practice of what you know. Duryodhana of Mahabharata was aware of what was right and what was wrong, but could not refrain from doing what was wrong, and could not bring himself to do what was right. In the same vein, one of the great men of out times has said that if only mankind did half of what they know to be right, this world would be a much better place. Not acting on the wisdom we have, has been the greatest lapse of our times.

The little voice, by continually pulling back my ego, showed me where I was stalled. It eventually led me to ask blunt questions about myself in relation to Hindu values and behaviours: am I humble, am I considerate of others, am I honest and truthful in my dealings, do I take advantage of others, do I blow my own horn, do I give credit to others for work they do or did, am I detached enough, am I self-centred, am I too quick to react, do I let anger possess me, do I gossip, do I play mind games, am I fixed in my ideas, am I flexible, am I doing my share for the betterment of the orphans, the poor and the hungry? Am I giving my time to charitable causes. (More often than not, we give money and feel we have done something good, and with our precious time, we do trivial things. The immediate drowns out the important.)

My little voice eventually led me to engage in Hindu behaviours and actions. It was not easy, let me confess. In this context I should note here that a well respected Indian sociologist has observed that it is a national character of Indians (our kind) to regard something as done, when it has merely been talked about. Talking about walking is not walking. (One definition has religion as mostly talking, and spirituality as walking) A recent family crisis showed me how strong my attachments were and how difficult it is to acquire the attitude of detachment. It was an intense lesson. Life continuously holds lessons in the situations it presents us. The more attached we are, the more is the help we need from the little voice in us.

Being a true Hindu is not a spectator sport. It is a full time voluntary undertaking to lift oneself up to a higher level of consciousness. It is a life-long journey. The little voice is a necessary companion. I have come to the conclusion that temple, pooja, mantra, havan, scriptures, mythology, are all aids to spiritual growth, not ends in themselves. If only we are not fixated in our focus, they help to awaken the little voice and get us to introspect in order to uncover our higher self. Now, it matters not to me when or whether I will get to the destination of being a true Hindu. Because, I am on a journey and the journey itself is the destination.

The above narration is essentially a personal diary cast in an upwardly inclined straight line, only in order to provide clarity to the readers. In reality, it was more of a chaotic spiral in fits of up and down shifts. Also, no claim is being made here that growth does or should occur only in this fashion. We are all unique human beings, and I believe there are as many equally valid paths as there are individuals.

- Kalburgi Srinivas

[Published under the title AM I A HINDU? in NAMASKAR, (Summer, 2008) Newsletter of the Hindu Samaj of Southern Saskatchewan, Regina, Canada.

CULTURAL PARENTING : Hindu in America

Cultural parenting is simply a focus that seeks to leave the parents’ religio-ethno-cultural imprint on the next generation. Hindu parents in North America have a limited time window to do so because as the children grow up, they come under increasing influence from their peers and the mainstream culture. Hinduism holds that the parents are the first teachers (guru) to children. This is an awesome responsibility on this North-American continent, as there are no supportive social structures, languages, music and other cultural facets. In India, the parents are not overwhelmed because religion permeates everyday life. There is much help from family elders like grandparents, uncles, aunts and others who hold parent-like influence on the children. Also the music, dance, and diet are all around in the environment. In North America, cultural parenting, at the practical level, consists of what parents teach, how parents teach and what the parents are emphasizing in their own everyday living. Thus, every act of the parents becomes a cultural imprint for the child, particularly in the early years.

The Hindu approach to parenting starts with the assumption that children are not ‘ours’, that they have been given to the parents ‘in trust’ for ‘good and whole’ delivery to society. Hinduism also holds that the children born to a couple are likely to be their own parents, grandparents or other ancestors. Hence, it has been repeatedly suggested that the children should be treated with respect and love. Hinduism also recognizes that parents are the child's first teachers (guru), an awesome responsibility for those ‘thin’ in their own understanding of Hinduism. The Matru and Pitru devo bhavah status accrues only as long as they are holding the children in ‘trust’ and moving them towards a ‘good and whole’ condition. Mere biological relationship does not confer that honour.

In Hindu thinking, parents should seek to develop a number of attributes in their children: (1) Positive self-concept, (2) Perceptive self-correction, (3) Self-control, (4) Self-confidence (5) Playful self-contentment, (6) Humble and pious disposition, (7) Competency in conflict resolution, (8) Family solidarity, (9) Prejudice-free consciousness, (10) Meditation, breath awareness, yogic modes of stress reduction, and (11) Interest in and appreciation of classical Hindu music/ dance and related arts.

(1) Positive self-concept is facilitated by unconditional love and genuine praise as well as freedom for the children to develop along their interests and aptitudes. Conditional love and comparative treatment at home promote negative self-image. Insistence that they go into areas of study not consistent with their aptitude and interest also tend to develop a negative self-concept. Similarly, suppressing, neglecting, ignoring, discouraging, putting down, demeaning and humiliating the children ensure a negative self-image.

(2) Perceptive self-correction is developed when mistakes are treated as valuable lessons. Since everyone makes mistakes, it is important that parents encourage the children to reflect upon the cause – effect linkages in their mistakes, and learn to correct their own behaviour. A well-known quote in this respect says ‘there are no problem children, only problem parents’.

(3) Powerful self-control is the ability to restrain one’s destructive emotions such as anger, greed and jealousy. Children learn more in this respect from observing their parents’ behaviours. Hence, parents must first learn and practice self-control, so their behaviour then becomes a model for the children. Disciplining should be positive. Time-out and ‘go to your room’ should not be used to berate the child for failing to control herself.

(4) Profound self-confidence is a feeling that one can accomplish tasks and reach goals. Children’s self-confidence is built by giving them successively more difficult tasks, and positive reinforcements for mastering such tasks. Self-confidence and positive self-concept go together, one enhancing the other.

(5) Playful self-contentment. When parents portray an attitude of happiness and satisfaction in life, the children grow up to be happy and cheerful individuals. If parents continuously hanker for material /external things in life, or constantly complain and are dissatisfied, the children will learn to be the same. Parents should promote the art of living in playful contentment while pursuing goals and aspiring for ‘higher ground’ thinking and functioning.

(6) Humble and pious outlook refers to the mode of interaction with others such as kindness, generosity and appreciation, a willingness to learn from others, and not being arrogant or know-it-all.. Here again, parents demonstrating these characteristics results in children practicing them at home, school, and in their adult life.

(7) Conflict resolution skills. Most situations in modern life are of competition and therefore of potential conflict between individuals. People also are pulled apart internally in their own mind between competing attractions. Resolving interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts leads to full attention on task accomplishment. Parents explaining and illustrating their own conflicts and resolutions goes a long way towards their children learning such orientation and skills.

(8) Family solidarity. When children have ‘ownership’ in the way the family functions, the family becomes close-knit. When children are treated as one would expect them to treat you when you grow old (powerless, dependent and needy), the family gains in solidarity. When parents maintain contacts with their extended family and provide opportunities for the children to interact with cousins as well as grandparents and other relatives, a feeling of rootedness and security is fostered. When the parents’ relationship with friends or extended family members goes sour, the children go through an emotional wringer, especially if they had bonded with those parties. The children’s trust in the parents may be shaken and the emotional injury to children may well stunt their natural growth and maturation.

(9) Promoting prejudice-free consciousness is very important. Parents, often in a disapproving tone, discuss the behaviours of their friends and acquaintances. Often this is done within earshot of their young children. In social gatherings, the conversations tend to touch upon negative experiences in India, its red tape and inefficient practices. When such negative remarks are heard repeatedly, even children as young as 3-4 years, sense the emotional tone and begin to develop prejudicial negative stereotype of India and Indians. Children also pick up the negative stereotypes present in the Canadian main stream about foreigners, natives and black people. The home atmosphere should actively prevent such prejudices entering the minds of their children. Children must be taught to think that all human beings are the same regardless of their skin color, occupation, education or wealth. They should be encouraged to avoid generalizations about groupings of people. Children should be provided with opportunities to meet, interact and learn to feel comfortable with children of different nationalities, ethnicities, races and skin colours.

(10) Meditation, breath awareness and stress management are something unique that Hinduism has contributed to the world at large. Hence, it must be part of Hindu cultural parenting. It also serves as an inoculation against stress that has become part of modern life style.

(11) Classical music and dance are uniquely Indian/Hindu. Children should be guided to appreciate if not learn these arts. Cultural parenting would have serious omissions if these orientations are completely left out in the pursuit of high-income/high-status professional academic education.

The kind of parenting noted above faces some real obstacles. To the extent that the two parents have different ideas and they clash, cultural parenting is jeopardized. To the extent that the parents want to rely on their ‘parental instinct’, the parenting becomes a boat without a rudder. Some times the parents have a ‘know it all’ attitude, with ‘wisdom’ coming to them too late in life. There are also ‘achievement oriented’ parents who want it all -- upward career, higher education, higher standard of living, high status, financial/ job security, perfect children. However, they have no time and no clues for cultural parenting. Parents who feel ‘thin’ on the core ideas and ideals of Hinduism tend to feel unequal to the task of cultural parenting. They may think it is sufficient to guide the children towards higher education and high income/status occupations. They may also assume that their living a life with East-Indian cuisine, and socializing with other Hindus, would provide sufficient cultural imprinting on their children.

The first imperative for good parenting involves dismissing the ‘instinct will suffice’ attitude, and taking on a, I-need-to-get-better humble attitude. The second imperative is to engage in a serious and honest introspection of one’s own beliefs and attitudes. A third imperative is to re-orient oneself on better and cultural parenting through magazines and books as well as informative TV shows such as ‘Super Nanny’. General Hinduism related magazines such as Hinduism Today and Next Future (both online now) are also good resources.
Parents also need to obtain feedback on their parenting style from their friends and elders. Perhaps too they can engage in discussions with their cohorts on strategies and philosophies. When I was a graduate student and lived in married student housing that had an international character, I found such discussions to be an eye opening experience. It is true that feedback and open discussion may be felt as too threatening. Sri Aurobindo has rightly stated that the typical human tendency is to hide one’s shortcomings… (but) in all scriptures, it has been said that one must be very grateful to those who show one’s shortcomings. As one Upanishad quote says, ‘Let noble thoughts come to us from all directions’.

Some good resources are: Krishna D. Bhat et.al., Guide to Indo-American Parenting, Uma Publishing, 1999. Meenal Pandya, The Indian Parenting Book: Imparting Your Cultural Heritage to the Next Generation, Meera Publications, 2005. Bodhinatha Veylanswami. Raising Children as Good Hindus. Hinduism Today, April-June, 2005. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Avon Books, 1999. Jane Nelson & Lisa Larson. Positive Discipline for working parents. Three Rivers Press, 2003.
- Dr. Kalburgi Srinivas (Kalburgi.Srinivas@gmail.com)

[Published in NAMASKAAR, Summer 2007, Newsletter of the Hindu Samaj of Southern Saskatchewan, Regina, Canada.]