Victims of Thin Love. (published in Shastri Indo-Canadians Monograph)

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     When I was a college student I used to wonder why women should be such different creatures, why couldn't they be more like men? Later in life I had changed my thinking and wished that men should be more like women. Still later I find myself thinking more like I used to during my college days. Just so there is no misunderstanding, when I say women, I am referring only to South Asian women and admittedly I have but my own methodologically indefensible observations.

     Many an immigrant woman from South Asia seems to tolerate living in this country only between trips back home. In the beginning the visits are largely motivated by a desire to demonstrate that one is all right here and to show how well off one is. As time goes by, the main reason is to escape from the life here, for whatever duration one can, to make up for something missing. Unfortunately that something cannot be found back home either, at least not any more. So, as compensation, one brings back lots of clothing and Jewelry to solace the soul and to show off here, 'I have something you don't have'. This consoling oneself becomes such a pre-occupation that one has no desire or time to understand football, Meech Lake, Native Rights, or even learn about their own religion or culture enough to talk about it coherently to their own children even for as little as half an hour.

     Some, of course, put quite a bit of effort on their children. But it is to make sure that their academic achievement is at a high level. When they do well, these mothers cannot bring themselves to stop talking about their achievements. By definition South Asian immigrants are a high-achievement group and their success and status in life is a function of this drive for achievement. Naturally they want their children to be equally successful. When the children do turn out somewhat like themselves, some become pathologically self-righteous about it, so much so that this too becomes another sort of 'I have something you don't have'.

     For a woman whose children don't turn out to be the personification of achievement, there can be no unkindlier cut. She feels hurt deep within her, and others insensitively imply that she is somehow at fault, that she has not done her Job. She bears this wound alone and silently. The father of the children also tends to blame her. All of a sudden it is her child that is not doing well! Worse can happen when the grown up children adopt Western values and do not interact with the South Asian community, or when they do not relish East Indian cousins, or when they start living common law with their 'friend'. Life appears very wrong and empty, the walls cave in.

     Some women lose themselves in a career, or a pay-cheque. This does increase one's sense of self-worth, particularly in the host-culture environment we are in, and at the same time uplift the family standards of living. This life-style is self-reinforcing and can go on escalating for a long time. At some point in time this too can become a mere escape or solace. I have painted these above lifestyles with a jaundiced eye. For the sake of the point I am making let us assume that the life anchors noted have a highly obsessive or defensive content. Let us also assume that all the women we have talked about are in a marital relationship and continue to be so. Then somewhere along the way, perhaps in mid-life or later, they begin to carry invisible weapons: some carry crossbows, and some carry darts; some carry pistols and some have air guns; some use real bullets and some use blanks. These weapons are only used in social gatherings. Some use them frequently and some only sparingly. But they are almost always directed at their partners. And the partners don't take it sitting down either. They always counter attack with their own invisible weapons - a sledge hammer, a rifle or a sword. These battles are camouflaged with lots of laughter, chit-chat and an air of good time. The battles seem to, yes seem to, end in permanent truce, or mediated friendship treaties. But, each party goes home wounded, and secretly prepares for the next battle.

     The object of the battles is to conquer or gain something that one does not have, never had, or has lost from an earlier time, and feels it must rightfully belong to oneself. Through these battles, it would appear, they try to fill a void or seek a remedy for a chronic ailment. Generally, the ailment women seem to suffer from is thin love, and for men, it is thin care, and both appear afflicted by a lack of respect and understanding from the other. 'Chains do not hold a marriage together, it is threads, hundreds of threads which sew people together through the years,' said Sigmore Signoret. This is what is supposed to happen in a typical South Asian arranged marriage. But the parties to the arrangement are marooned on a land that idolizes love at first sight and continued search for perfect partners. Like a boat caught in a fog, the arranged relationship drifts and runs aground. "Happiness does not consist of getting everything you want,' as somebody said, "but in wanting everything you have."

     Broken hearts is a growing industry in North America and the industry is threatening to take over the territories of South Asian hearts. Is there no defense? No protection? No repelling forces? Do we stand helpless as mere witnesses? The South Asian culture emphasizes satisfaction in being. But South Asian immigrants are caught up in becoming. And when both partners are in pursuit of becoming, neither has time nor the energy to take stock, to realize what is happening, or to put in the necessary stitches in time.

     The support system available in the "home" culture (in India) and the one our psychic framework is willing to accept is quite different from the one needed or available here. But the taboos of the mind are unwilling to recognize what one needs or accept that which is available. So, skirmishes of the kind noted above, pitched on the grounds of social get-togethers, is about as far as most couples go in seeking support. 'Marriage is our last best chance to grow up,' as somebody said. Unfortunately, battles and wars don't lead to any kind of growth except in the supply of arms.

     Immigrant couples go through many transitions. Many more, than non-immigrants. Each decade brings its own changes that one needs to accommodate and adjust to. If the couples cannot call on each other's emotional support and understanding, and learn to establish communication there can only be increasingly more maladjustment in the relationship. This learning to communicate is something that seems to happen among South Asians only by accident. Nothing in their socialization, it seems, teaches them the art and science of 'open channel' communication. Nor does their mental framework accept the notion of open channel in marital role relationships. It has been said that there is no paradise that others can lead us to, unless it is the one we make for ourselves. One person's set of expectations does not a relationship make! Only when the two sets of expectations are in mutual agreement, or at least when there are conscious efforts towards an agreement, does a growth-relationship occur. South Asian immigrants have a handicap in negotiating or arriving at such agreements. For immigrants there is a cost to live in Canada. I would like to add, that these costs are mostly borne by immigrant women.

     To return to what I said at the beginning, it would help if men were to become more like women. They would probably become sensitive enough for open channel communication. But all this modern day focus on women's liberation and women's plight has made no impact on men's sensitivity. Thus, perhaps if women were to become more like men, and they are indeed doing so as more and more of them become 'corporate soldiers,' perhaps more of a camaraderie and harmony will develop on the domestic front.

Originally published in South Asian Canadians: Current Issues in the Politics of Culture. Pp 130-132. Edited by Ratna Ghosh and Rabindra Kanungo. Shastri Indo-Canadian Institute, 1992.