MY SEARCH FOR HINDUISM
From time to time a little voice in me has been raising the question whether I am a Hindu. At first I laughed if off as a silly quirk of the mind. But it kept coming back. Indignantly then I said to myself, “Of course I am, I was born Hindu, brought up by Hindu parents, have a Hindu name, a Hindu wife, attend the Hindu temple… .” I felt a bit stupid having this conversation with myself. A lot of people think this sort of reasoning is sufficient. I too was content to remain a ‘surface Hindu’ for a number of years. (That is a story in itself.)
The persistence of the little voice set me thinking. I wondered if I was shallow in my comprehension of the Hindu pantheon, the rituals, mythology, festivals and folklore. I tried to recall everything I had heard and seen in my past. Wanting to test myself of the extent of this knowledge, I found a number of tests and questions on the Internet. While I did not know everything, I scored enough to fetch me a certificate in Hinduism. Most of us have picked up our Hinduism from what we have seen and heard in our younger years and we feel that is enough even after our higher education. Childhood conditioning typically prevails over higher education when it comes to religion. My high score on the tests induced a bit of self-righteousness in me. It also moved me towards poojas, mantras, jagrata and such other traditional practices.
However my little voice came at me with a bite at my ego, “So, you think you are a Hindu, don’t you?”. The direct dig deflated my ego. Was I trying to convince myself that I am a Hindu by the externalities of rituals, poojas and mantras? We all know how some persons have passed themselves off as doctors by putting on a lab coat and a stethoscope. And many church attendees are-- mere churchians, not real Christians. Similarly many born-Hindus claim to be authentic Hindus by virtue of conforming to the externalities of social practices and rituals they do not understand. The little voice made me realize that I did not have a full understanding of the ‘ism’ in Hinduism. I realized that rituals are useful only when undertaken with full understanding of the symbolism.
At about this time when I was trying to find new and acceptable answers to my doubting little voice, some friends started a Gita study circle. I was drawn to it. We read several different commentaries and interpretations. Our discussions were spirited. I felt the BhagavadGita, simply put, is ‘Vegetarian (not Chicken) Soup for the Soul’. I wished I had read it much earlier in life. I continue to feel it holds the best advice for life and living – how to live a sane and happy life, what the ideal personal qualities to aspire for, the prime importance of action and detachment, the connection between mental anguish and cognitive orientation, the distinction between needs and wants, between standard of life and standard of living, between choice and duty. The commentaries and interpretations by Swami Dayananda Saraswati and Swami Rama are particularly suited to the North American context. After reading the Gita some of us went on to read Shankaracharya’s Aatmabodha. From this book I learned that one does not have to accept anything on mere faith; one can and should bring to bear one’s intellect, analyse, try out, and accept only if convinced.
From Ashtavakra Gita I learned not to hang on to any convictions; convictions are like mile stones, and hanging on to them serves to prevent further progress. I found reinforcing thoughts in the simple but powerful writings of Sri Aurobindo and Sri Ramana Maharshi, particularly their advice on ‘problems of life’. Alongside these readings I explored and experienced several schools of meditation and had some upending experiences. I found the non-denominational Vipassana meditation most helpful in cleansing the mind. With the above readings and experiences, my emotional and intellectual commitment to Hinduism became firmer than ever before. I felt confident the little voice would now be satisfied.
Nope, the demanding little voice was not satisfied. I was thrown back to more introspection. After a while it dawned on me that it is not the knowing that matters. What matters is the bringing into practice of what you know. Duryodhana of Mahabharata was aware of what was right and what was wrong, but could not refrain from doing what was wrong, and could not bring himself to do what was right. In the same vein, one of the great men of out times has said that if only mankind did half of what they know to be right, this world would be a much better place. Not acting on the wisdom we have, has been the greatest lapse of our times.
The little voice, by continually pulling back my ego, showed me where I was stalled. It eventually led me to ask blunt questions about myself in relation to Hindu values and behaviours: am I humble, am I considerate of others, am I honest and truthful in my dealings, do I take advantage of others, do I blow my own horn, do I give credit to others for work they do or did, am I detached enough, am I self-centred, am I too quick to react, do I let anger possess me, do I gossip, do I play mind games, am I fixed in my ideas, am I flexible, am I doing my share for the betterment of the orphans, the poor and the hungry? Am I giving my time to charitable causes. (More often than not, we give money and feel we have done something good, and with our precious time, we do trivial things. The immediate drowns out the important.)
My little voice eventually led me to engage in Hindu behaviours and actions. It was not easy, let me confess. In this context I should note here that a well respected Indian sociologist has observed that it is a national character of Indians (our kind) to regard something as done, when it has merely been talked about. Talking about walking is not walking. (One definition has religion as mostly talking, and spirituality as walking) A recent family crisis showed me how strong my attachments were and how difficult it is to acquire the attitude of detachment. It was an intense lesson. Life continuously holds lessons in the situations it presents us. The more attached we are, the more is the help we need from the little voice in us.
Being a true Hindu is not a spectator sport. It is a full time voluntary undertaking to lift oneself up to a higher level of consciousness. It is a life-long journey. The little voice is a necessary companion. I have come to the conclusion that temple, pooja, mantra, havan, scriptures, mythology, are all aids to spiritual growth, not ends in themselves. If only we are not fixated in our focus, they help to awaken the little voice and get us to introspect in order to uncover our higher self. Now, it matters not to me when or whether I will get to the destination of being a true Hindu. Because, I am on a journey and the journey itself is the destination.
The above narration is essentially a personal diary cast in an upwardly inclined straight line, only in order to provide clarity to the readers. In reality, it was more of a chaotic spiral in fits of up and down shifts. Also, no claim is being made here that growth does or should occur only in this fashion. We are all unique human beings, and I believe there are as many equally valid paths as there are individuals.
The persistence of the little voice set me thinking. I wondered if I was shallow in my comprehension of the Hindu pantheon, the rituals, mythology, festivals and folklore. I tried to recall everything I had heard and seen in my past. Wanting to test myself of the extent of this knowledge, I found a number of tests and questions on the Internet. While I did not know everything, I scored enough to fetch me a certificate in Hinduism. Most of us have picked up our Hinduism from what we have seen and heard in our younger years and we feel that is enough even after our higher education. Childhood conditioning typically prevails over higher education when it comes to religion. My high score on the tests induced a bit of self-righteousness in me. It also moved me towards poojas, mantras, jagrata and such other traditional practices.
However my little voice came at me with a bite at my ego, “So, you think you are a Hindu, don’t you?”. The direct dig deflated my ego. Was I trying to convince myself that I am a Hindu by the externalities of rituals, poojas and mantras? We all know how some persons have passed themselves off as doctors by putting on a lab coat and a stethoscope. And many church attendees are-- mere churchians, not real Christians. Similarly many born-Hindus claim to be authentic Hindus by virtue of conforming to the externalities of social practices and rituals they do not understand. The little voice made me realize that I did not have a full understanding of the ‘ism’ in Hinduism. I realized that rituals are useful only when undertaken with full understanding of the symbolism.
At about this time when I was trying to find new and acceptable answers to my doubting little voice, some friends started a Gita study circle. I was drawn to it. We read several different commentaries and interpretations. Our discussions were spirited. I felt the BhagavadGita, simply put, is ‘Vegetarian (not Chicken) Soup for the Soul’. I wished I had read it much earlier in life. I continue to feel it holds the best advice for life and living – how to live a sane and happy life, what the ideal personal qualities to aspire for, the prime importance of action and detachment, the connection between mental anguish and cognitive orientation, the distinction between needs and wants, between standard of life and standard of living, between choice and duty. The commentaries and interpretations by Swami Dayananda Saraswati and Swami Rama are particularly suited to the North American context. After reading the Gita some of us went on to read Shankaracharya’s Aatmabodha. From this book I learned that one does not have to accept anything on mere faith; one can and should bring to bear one’s intellect, analyse, try out, and accept only if convinced.
From Ashtavakra Gita I learned not to hang on to any convictions; convictions are like mile stones, and hanging on to them serves to prevent further progress. I found reinforcing thoughts in the simple but powerful writings of Sri Aurobindo and Sri Ramana Maharshi, particularly their advice on ‘problems of life’. Alongside these readings I explored and experienced several schools of meditation and had some upending experiences. I found the non-denominational Vipassana meditation most helpful in cleansing the mind. With the above readings and experiences, my emotional and intellectual commitment to Hinduism became firmer than ever before. I felt confident the little voice would now be satisfied.
Nope, the demanding little voice was not satisfied. I was thrown back to more introspection. After a while it dawned on me that it is not the knowing that matters. What matters is the bringing into practice of what you know. Duryodhana of Mahabharata was aware of what was right and what was wrong, but could not refrain from doing what was wrong, and could not bring himself to do what was right. In the same vein, one of the great men of out times has said that if only mankind did half of what they know to be right, this world would be a much better place. Not acting on the wisdom we have, has been the greatest lapse of our times.
The little voice, by continually pulling back my ego, showed me where I was stalled. It eventually led me to ask blunt questions about myself in relation to Hindu values and behaviours: am I humble, am I considerate of others, am I honest and truthful in my dealings, do I take advantage of others, do I blow my own horn, do I give credit to others for work they do or did, am I detached enough, am I self-centred, am I too quick to react, do I let anger possess me, do I gossip, do I play mind games, am I fixed in my ideas, am I flexible, am I doing my share for the betterment of the orphans, the poor and the hungry? Am I giving my time to charitable causes. (More often than not, we give money and feel we have done something good, and with our precious time, we do trivial things. The immediate drowns out the important.)
My little voice eventually led me to engage in Hindu behaviours and actions. It was not easy, let me confess. In this context I should note here that a well respected Indian sociologist has observed that it is a national character of Indians (our kind) to regard something as done, when it has merely been talked about. Talking about walking is not walking. (One definition has religion as mostly talking, and spirituality as walking) A recent family crisis showed me how strong my attachments were and how difficult it is to acquire the attitude of detachment. It was an intense lesson. Life continuously holds lessons in the situations it presents us. The more attached we are, the more is the help we need from the little voice in us.
Being a true Hindu is not a spectator sport. It is a full time voluntary undertaking to lift oneself up to a higher level of consciousness. It is a life-long journey. The little voice is a necessary companion. I have come to the conclusion that temple, pooja, mantra, havan, scriptures, mythology, are all aids to spiritual growth, not ends in themselves. If only we are not fixated in our focus, they help to awaken the little voice and get us to introspect in order to uncover our higher self. Now, it matters not to me when or whether I will get to the destination of being a true Hindu. Because, I am on a journey and the journey itself is the destination.
The above narration is essentially a personal diary cast in an upwardly inclined straight line, only in order to provide clarity to the readers. In reality, it was more of a chaotic spiral in fits of up and down shifts. Also, no claim is being made here that growth does or should occur only in this fashion. We are all unique human beings, and I believe there are as many equally valid paths as there are individuals.
- Kalburgi Srinivas
[Published under the title AM I A HINDU? in NAMASKAR, (Summer, 2008) Newsletter of the Hindu Samaj of Southern Saskatchewan, Regina, Canada.Labels: Hindu ?, Hinduism Practice
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1 Comments:
Very good narration and a very interesting article this one. I feel very identified with your experience as I've gone through something similar. You've also given a nice and concise description of the basic values of Hinduism in an implicit manner.
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February 2, 2009 at 7:36 AM
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