CULTURAL PARENTING : Hindu in America

Cultural parenting is simply a focus that seeks to leave the parents’ religio-ethno-cultural imprint on the next generation. Hindu parents in North America have a limited time window to do so because as the children grow up, they come under increasing influence from their peers and the mainstream culture. Hinduism holds that the parents are the first teachers (guru) to children. This is an awesome responsibility on this North-American continent, as there are no supportive social structures, languages, music and other cultural facets. In India, the parents are not overwhelmed because religion permeates everyday life. There is much help from family elders like grandparents, uncles, aunts and others who hold parent-like influence on the children. Also the music, dance, and diet are all around in the environment. In North America, cultural parenting, at the practical level, consists of what parents teach, how parents teach and what the parents are emphasizing in their own everyday living. Thus, every act of the parents becomes a cultural imprint for the child, particularly in the early years.

The Hindu approach to parenting starts with the assumption that children are not ‘ours’, that they have been given to the parents ‘in trust’ for ‘good and whole’ delivery to society. Hinduism also holds that the children born to a couple are likely to be their own parents, grandparents or other ancestors. Hence, it has been repeatedly suggested that the children should be treated with respect and love. Hinduism also recognizes that parents are the child's first teachers (guru), an awesome responsibility for those ‘thin’ in their own understanding of Hinduism. The Matru and Pitru devo bhavah status accrues only as long as they are holding the children in ‘trust’ and moving them towards a ‘good and whole’ condition. Mere biological relationship does not confer that honour.

In Hindu thinking, parents should seek to develop a number of attributes in their children: (1) Positive self-concept, (2) Perceptive self-correction, (3) Self-control, (4) Self-confidence (5) Playful self-contentment, (6) Humble and pious disposition, (7) Competency in conflict resolution, (8) Family solidarity, (9) Prejudice-free consciousness, (10) Meditation, breath awareness, yogic modes of stress reduction, and (11) Interest in and appreciation of classical Hindu music/ dance and related arts.

(1) Positive self-concept is facilitated by unconditional love and genuine praise as well as freedom for the children to develop along their interests and aptitudes. Conditional love and comparative treatment at home promote negative self-image. Insistence that they go into areas of study not consistent with their aptitude and interest also tend to develop a negative self-concept. Similarly, suppressing, neglecting, ignoring, discouraging, putting down, demeaning and humiliating the children ensure a negative self-image.

(2) Perceptive self-correction is developed when mistakes are treated as valuable lessons. Since everyone makes mistakes, it is important that parents encourage the children to reflect upon the cause – effect linkages in their mistakes, and learn to correct their own behaviour. A well-known quote in this respect says ‘there are no problem children, only problem parents’.

(3) Powerful self-control is the ability to restrain one’s destructive emotions such as anger, greed and jealousy. Children learn more in this respect from observing their parents’ behaviours. Hence, parents must first learn and practice self-control, so their behaviour then becomes a model for the children. Disciplining should be positive. Time-out and ‘go to your room’ should not be used to berate the child for failing to control herself.

(4) Profound self-confidence is a feeling that one can accomplish tasks and reach goals. Children’s self-confidence is built by giving them successively more difficult tasks, and positive reinforcements for mastering such tasks. Self-confidence and positive self-concept go together, one enhancing the other.

(5) Playful self-contentment. When parents portray an attitude of happiness and satisfaction in life, the children grow up to be happy and cheerful individuals. If parents continuously hanker for material /external things in life, or constantly complain and are dissatisfied, the children will learn to be the same. Parents should promote the art of living in playful contentment while pursuing goals and aspiring for ‘higher ground’ thinking and functioning.

(6) Humble and pious outlook refers to the mode of interaction with others such as kindness, generosity and appreciation, a willingness to learn from others, and not being arrogant or know-it-all.. Here again, parents demonstrating these characteristics results in children practicing them at home, school, and in their adult life.

(7) Conflict resolution skills. Most situations in modern life are of competition and therefore of potential conflict between individuals. People also are pulled apart internally in their own mind between competing attractions. Resolving interpersonal and intrapersonal conflicts leads to full attention on task accomplishment. Parents explaining and illustrating their own conflicts and resolutions goes a long way towards their children learning such orientation and skills.

(8) Family solidarity. When children have ‘ownership’ in the way the family functions, the family becomes close-knit. When children are treated as one would expect them to treat you when you grow old (powerless, dependent and needy), the family gains in solidarity. When parents maintain contacts with their extended family and provide opportunities for the children to interact with cousins as well as grandparents and other relatives, a feeling of rootedness and security is fostered. When the parents’ relationship with friends or extended family members goes sour, the children go through an emotional wringer, especially if they had bonded with those parties. The children’s trust in the parents may be shaken and the emotional injury to children may well stunt their natural growth and maturation.

(9) Promoting prejudice-free consciousness is very important. Parents, often in a disapproving tone, discuss the behaviours of their friends and acquaintances. Often this is done within earshot of their young children. In social gatherings, the conversations tend to touch upon negative experiences in India, its red tape and inefficient practices. When such negative remarks are heard repeatedly, even children as young as 3-4 years, sense the emotional tone and begin to develop prejudicial negative stereotype of India and Indians. Children also pick up the negative stereotypes present in the Canadian main stream about foreigners, natives and black people. The home atmosphere should actively prevent such prejudices entering the minds of their children. Children must be taught to think that all human beings are the same regardless of their skin color, occupation, education or wealth. They should be encouraged to avoid generalizations about groupings of people. Children should be provided with opportunities to meet, interact and learn to feel comfortable with children of different nationalities, ethnicities, races and skin colours.

(10) Meditation, breath awareness and stress management are something unique that Hinduism has contributed to the world at large. Hence, it must be part of Hindu cultural parenting. It also serves as an inoculation against stress that has become part of modern life style.

(11) Classical music and dance are uniquely Indian/Hindu. Children should be guided to appreciate if not learn these arts. Cultural parenting would have serious omissions if these orientations are completely left out in the pursuit of high-income/high-status professional academic education.

The kind of parenting noted above faces some real obstacles. To the extent that the two parents have different ideas and they clash, cultural parenting is jeopardized. To the extent that the parents want to rely on their ‘parental instinct’, the parenting becomes a boat without a rudder. Some times the parents have a ‘know it all’ attitude, with ‘wisdom’ coming to them too late in life. There are also ‘achievement oriented’ parents who want it all -- upward career, higher education, higher standard of living, high status, financial/ job security, perfect children. However, they have no time and no clues for cultural parenting. Parents who feel ‘thin’ on the core ideas and ideals of Hinduism tend to feel unequal to the task of cultural parenting. They may think it is sufficient to guide the children towards higher education and high income/status occupations. They may also assume that their living a life with East-Indian cuisine, and socializing with other Hindus, would provide sufficient cultural imprinting on their children.

The first imperative for good parenting involves dismissing the ‘instinct will suffice’ attitude, and taking on a, I-need-to-get-better humble attitude. The second imperative is to engage in a serious and honest introspection of one’s own beliefs and attitudes. A third imperative is to re-orient oneself on better and cultural parenting through magazines and books as well as informative TV shows such as ‘Super Nanny’. General Hinduism related magazines such as Hinduism Today and Next Future (both online now) are also good resources.
Parents also need to obtain feedback on their parenting style from their friends and elders. Perhaps too they can engage in discussions with their cohorts on strategies and philosophies. When I was a graduate student and lived in married student housing that had an international character, I found such discussions to be an eye opening experience. It is true that feedback and open discussion may be felt as too threatening. Sri Aurobindo has rightly stated that the typical human tendency is to hide one’s shortcomings… (but) in all scriptures, it has been said that one must be very grateful to those who show one’s shortcomings. As one Upanishad quote says, ‘Let noble thoughts come to us from all directions’.

Some good resources are: Krishna D. Bhat et.al., Guide to Indo-American Parenting, Uma Publishing, 1999. Meenal Pandya, The Indian Parenting Book: Imparting Your Cultural Heritage to the Next Generation, Meera Publications, 2005. Bodhinatha Veylanswami. Raising Children as Good Hindus. Hinduism Today, April-June, 2005. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, Avon Books, 1999. Jane Nelson & Lisa Larson. Positive Discipline for working parents. Three Rivers Press, 2003.
- Dr. Kalburgi Srinivas (Kalburgi.Srinivas@gmail.com)

[Published in NAMASKAAR, Summer 2007, Newsletter of the Hindu Samaj of Southern Saskatchewan, Regina, Canada.]